Askers and Guessers

Came across this insightful article on people being raised in two cultures, Askers and Guessers. Which one are you?

The best way on dealing with unwanted invitations, or overly demanding requests for favors, has always been the same: just say no. For relatives who want to stay for a fortnight, or colleagues trying to get you to do their work – “I’m afraid that won’t be possible” – remains the gold standard. Excuses merely invite negotiation. The best way to say no is to say no. Then shut up.

This is a lesson we’re unable to learn, however. This desire to please everyone might involve profound issues of self-esteem, guilt, etc. But the truth is, it’s just a simple misunderstanding between two types of people: Askers and Guessers.

We are raised, in theory, in one of two cultures -

In Ask culture, people grow up believing they can ask for anything – a favor, a pay rise– fully realizing the answer may be no.

In Guess culture, by contrast, you avoid putting a request into words unless you’re pretty sure the answer will be yes… A key skill most guessers have is the ability to feel out answers. If you do this with enough subtlety, you won’t have to make the request directly; you’ll get an offer. Even then, the offer may or may not be genuine; it takes yet more skill and delicacy to discern whether you should accept.

Neither is “wrong”, but when an Asker meets a Guesser, unpleasantness results.

An Asker won’t think it’s rude to request two weeks in your spare room, but a Guess culture person will hear it as presumptuous and resent the agony involved in saying no. Your boss, asking for a project to be finished early, may be an over demanding boor – or just an Asker, who’s assuming you might decline. If you’re a Guesser, you’ll hear it as an expectation.

This explains cross-cultural awkwardness: Brits and Americans get frustrated doing business in Japan, because it’s a Guess culture, yet experience Russians as rude, because they’re die-hard Askers.

Self-help books seek to make us all Askers, training us to both ask and refuse without second guessing. But Guessers can take solace in logic: in many social situations (though perhaps not at work) the very fact that you’re receiving an anxiety-inducing request is proof the person asking is an Asker. He or she is half-expecting you’ll say no, and has no inkling of the torture you’re experiencing. So say no, and see what happens. Nothing will.